For this blog my name will be MIsaacC.
I am using this site to create a journal of my life and emotions. This is very hard for me. As I type this I am crying. I don’t know why but I am. I am going to give myself one last chance at life before I give up. My physical health and my mental state are at an all time low. I am beyond suicidal. I have attempted suicide twice, once that my family knows about that got me in a mental institution and another time no one knows about and is the first time I am speaking of it now. Writing this is very painful for me and a lot of emotions are coming up as I type.
I am giving myself one last chance to get everything in order to live a full life. I am not sure my physical health or mental state will allow it. I will blog for a year and document my changes. If I do not make it a year it means I have given up and/or am dead.
How am I giving myself one last chance? I am going on a heavy micro nutrient diet of unprocessed and whole plant based diet. I will only have a vegan protein shake after I work out and this will be the only processed food I eat. My goal is to (a) reverse my hypothyroidism which is preventing me from being active and losing weight (b) and to see if this diet will pull me out of my severe depression and rid me of the suicidal thoughts that follow me constantly.
My depression started when my wife of 21 years finally revealed to me she had an emotional affair and made out and kissed her boss a few times. Not only that she told him she loved him, told him she was leaving me, and they even planned things together in the future. When she broke it to me on February 2nd she did it with no compassion. She told me she was sick of me and planning to leave me when my eldest son graduated High School next year. I know I wasn’t a perfect husband but I loved her more than anything in this world. More than my kids. I would have died for her. If she was suffering I would have done anything possible for her. I planned my retirement and discussed moving to her native country to retire. I thought that would have shown how much I loved her and how important her happiness was. I never went out with my friends, never went out without her to drink, and I basically never did anything without her. But she did. And she stopped loving me and fell in love with her boss. (I am hysterically crying right now. Putting these words on screen hurts so much)
My wife tells me she loves me and wished we could have worked things out. Even after my suicide attempt she still spoke of her boss to me and even defended having a friendship with him. She tells me she loves me and feels so guilty. She never once said to me, “I’ll do anything to have you back” or “What do I have to do to get you back?”. She just tells me that she sees the marriage is broke and there is no point. She doesn’t even do things to help me with my depression or understand. If she loved me she would try to do something? right? Even if it didn’t fix the marriage you would assume if she is so guilty she would try, right? But no. I cry so much. I cry at work. I cry in my bed daily. My heart hurts, my soul hurts, and I don’t want to see tomorrow. She works very hard when she wants something. She tries hard. She did for her boss. She even fought with me for hours on why it’s OK for her to be friends with him. If she loved me and wanted me back she would fight for it like she did for everything she wanted. But she put up no fight. She never checks on me. I’m suicidal and never just sends a text to check if I am OK. She never researched my depression. She never did anything for me. But while she was cheating on me she was trying to get herself better for life without me. She went to meditation. We paid a ton of money for her braces. She is getting facial injections. She was even planning on a boob job. And she wasn’t doing it for me. She refuses to admit how selfish she was. Whenever she admits she cheated she ALWAYS mentions how unhappy she was. She can never apologize without adding a ‘but’. She never truly loved me. At least not like I did or thought she did.
She cheat with so much ease. There is no point now. I don’t want to live alone and work until I am old so I can retire alone. I don’t want anyone to love again. I loved my wife. She was my world, my reason for living. And she cheated on me. I hate my life and I hate this world. It’s been over four months since she told me and the pain has gotten only worse. It has gotten harder. I still love her but I can’t be with her. What she did is devastating. If there was a way to die peacefully in bed I would do it. In a second. I just want to be free. I want the pain to go away. When I tried to hang myself I cried because I was so happy it was finally over then I passed out only to be awoken by an EMT.
So this is my last chance. We agreed that after my daughter finishes camp we were going to tell her about our divorce. But, the day after she comes back I already made plans to kill myself – regardless if it was painful. I’ll wait and see if this is working first. I am fat, bald, ugly, and broken. I am going to do this diet to see if it can help me lose weight and help my mental state. If not, then I have a serious decision to make. Suicide is not selfish. I am in so much pain. My depression is causing all of my loved ones grief. I torment my wife and my kids ignore me. At least if I die there will only be short term grief but in the end they will move on and not worry about me any more. They need to see that also I will be free and the pain is gone. This is my last chance. Click on ‘My Journey’ to see my progress and if it works.